I have been trying to wrap my head around this acceptance that is now forced upon me. My writing going forward is not for posting to the general public, but rather back here in the tiny hole I have tapped out keystroke by keystroke. Something that once bled from my hands and mind as easily as water has turned into a cold gray cinder block of fluidity. I am amazed that I have typed this much without a curse word or fifty. I have to use this all in my recovery as well because I am almost five now in sobriety years and that is always a touchy time. How all of this is going to play out in that arena is hard to say right now, but I do not wish to go back to those rooms, I do not wish to be a part of something that would support killing off my country.
All of this has turned my world and my views upside down. I am someone who has the greatest of empathy for others and can forgive with just a thought. Here I am though on the other side of the fence, a growing apathy and indifference of all that which I used to hold so close. This caring about others is now somewhat against the principles that was voted in, the hatred something natural to not only absorb but revel in. If people think that we are going to somehow get along now, that somehow the whole point of this was about government then they are very wrong. This was about everyone people see on a daily basis, this was about your neighbors, not their candidate, but them personally. Some thought they were taking something back and really all they were doing was losing it all, because the people were lost, the spirit was lost. This was more than about the land and money, the jobs and everything else. For everything up to this point in the country's history is gone, whatever the new name is for this place will be it started last Tuesday evening.
Sure, there are a lot of things I want to vent about. I want to scream at the 200 million registered voters who just didn't vote. I want to scream at the Sanders and Steins and Johnson's pointing out that their votes for were great big old FU's to everything they stood for themselves. The idiocy of this all has taken me back into a dark place that I haven't been at home in in a very long time. A place that I have to get used to again apparently for the lights have almost all been extinguished. A primal Klingon scream from my soul, releasing the last of its light to the cosmos for good. The death throes of a once valiant nation and people reduced to a skid mark on the underwear of history.
For someone that just wanted to be useful and help people to someone that just wants to use a baseball bat on them instead. That is the callous horseshit that this has produced, there is no makey nicey now. Answering the door with a shotgun again, making sure that I am armed when I leave, don't look too redneck or too casual, put on that mean mug that says you will snap their necks if anyone even peeps. The cable guy came to the door last night and he was wearing a bright red cap, my heart sank and started pounding with anger. I have not watched any news since Tuesday evening, and I guess this is going to need some work on the recovery front as well. I have such a small life this will hardly effect me I hope. I also have large thoughts though and this has diminished them into fits of hope, fits of light, surrounded by walls of darkness so freaking high. Yet I am alive today thanks to the ACA alone and I just wonder if that doctors visit yesterday was the last one I will ever have. A friend had her surgery for this morning cancelled by the doctor awaiting repeal of the ACA, she will have to live in agony, if she lives, until such time the lawmakers decide what is best for us.
I lost a lifetime of history with this one, for everything I once knew will be changed and wiped out. Without a solution to anything I am afraid we are simply doomed, there is no mulligans in country building and maintaining stuff, at least not ones you can pull off too many times. I would have never thought I would see the day that Reagan Republicans would vote for the President for Life of Russia.
The riots that started have not died down and my wife had to change her routine this morning. It seems five people were shot last night at the stop where she catches one of her busses downtown. Hispanics are being openly castigated and told not to do business at some places. If people want to see power, that can be arranged and I hope to go into that later on. But the madness of politics and running this nation still holds no power than absolute striking. If the government wants its people on its knees, then we can make it lay down before us if need be.
I have been trying to write this for hours that seem like weeks. Trying to understand when the dimensional slip happened, when did the Universe go sour? There is the theory of ultimate universes with endless outcomes, I guess we get the one with the crappy ending after all. The words and thoughts I am getting are fluent and understandable, but would only make sense to others after some good hard filtering. So I am writing a bit and then working on some artwork, and writing my latest/oldest book in my head. Like I have said many times before, I have no idea what this writing stuff that I am told that I am apparently somewhat talented at is going to lead to. If it takes me away from here, for any length of time at the moment it can't be all that bad. A needed therapy, even if it is in fits and starts.
There is still hopes of a miracle in the checks and balances established years ago. I thought there would be a few more of them used in the lead up to this point. There were so many failures on so many levels that I can't go into them all. The biggest one is the voices that needed to be heard for once, got shut out at the most crucial moment in our history. The good that was done, the history behind it all not showcased, instead this became a crotch induced panic from both sides. A ex acquaintance who threw us into this said that it was also a rebuke of the militant feminism being hammered out on men. After holding down my lunch and thinking about laughing my anger came and like people say it is a dubious luxury that anger stuff. It allows all of the building of good habits to be eroded, and wiped away, anger, hate, pity, fear and just plain old pissy-ness sets in easily around you. Flowers stop growing on the hopes of a future and the weeds begin on our graves.
This was an historic election, one in which a few million people elected to throw away a nation. The stars were out when I started this and they are out once more as I finish it too. I am glad that I write Science Fiction and fantasy books and that my imagination can take me to worlds far far from this maddening and even frightful place. It makes me think that maybe like those primal screams that allows the soul to be released to the stars, this was in effect the same thing. A primal defiance, that would only leave the thought of America as distant as those little points of light, and a hope of a future together that still remains outside of the grasp of humanity. Somewhere beyond our home, the carried principles will remain, the carried promises are given, and the flag will represent not hate or oppression, but hope once more. May we be forgiven our sins, our shortcomings, our nature, may we be forgiven?
All of this has turned my world and my views upside down. I am someone who has the greatest of empathy for others and can forgive with just a thought. Here I am though on the other side of the fence, a growing apathy and indifference of all that which I used to hold so close. This caring about others is now somewhat against the principles that was voted in, the hatred something natural to not only absorb but revel in. If people think that we are going to somehow get along now, that somehow the whole point of this was about government then they are very wrong. This was about everyone people see on a daily basis, this was about your neighbors, not their candidate, but them personally. Some thought they were taking something back and really all they were doing was losing it all, because the people were lost, the spirit was lost. This was more than about the land and money, the jobs and everything else. For everything up to this point in the country's history is gone, whatever the new name is for this place will be it started last Tuesday evening.
Sure, there are a lot of things I want to vent about. I want to scream at the 200 million registered voters who just didn't vote. I want to scream at the Sanders and Steins and Johnson's pointing out that their votes for were great big old FU's to everything they stood for themselves. The idiocy of this all has taken me back into a dark place that I haven't been at home in in a very long time. A place that I have to get used to again apparently for the lights have almost all been extinguished. A primal Klingon scream from my soul, releasing the last of its light to the cosmos for good. The death throes of a once valiant nation and people reduced to a skid mark on the underwear of history.
For someone that just wanted to be useful and help people to someone that just wants to use a baseball bat on them instead. That is the callous horseshit that this has produced, there is no makey nicey now. Answering the door with a shotgun again, making sure that I am armed when I leave, don't look too redneck or too casual, put on that mean mug that says you will snap their necks if anyone even peeps. The cable guy came to the door last night and he was wearing a bright red cap, my heart sank and started pounding with anger. I have not watched any news since Tuesday evening, and I guess this is going to need some work on the recovery front as well. I have such a small life this will hardly effect me I hope. I also have large thoughts though and this has diminished them into fits of hope, fits of light, surrounded by walls of darkness so freaking high. Yet I am alive today thanks to the ACA alone and I just wonder if that doctors visit yesterday was the last one I will ever have. A friend had her surgery for this morning cancelled by the doctor awaiting repeal of the ACA, she will have to live in agony, if she lives, until such time the lawmakers decide what is best for us.
I lost a lifetime of history with this one, for everything I once knew will be changed and wiped out. Without a solution to anything I am afraid we are simply doomed, there is no mulligans in country building and maintaining stuff, at least not ones you can pull off too many times. I would have never thought I would see the day that Reagan Republicans would vote for the President for Life of Russia.
The riots that started have not died down and my wife had to change her routine this morning. It seems five people were shot last night at the stop where she catches one of her busses downtown. Hispanics are being openly castigated and told not to do business at some places. If people want to see power, that can be arranged and I hope to go into that later on. But the madness of politics and running this nation still holds no power than absolute striking. If the government wants its people on its knees, then we can make it lay down before us if need be.
I have been trying to write this for hours that seem like weeks. Trying to understand when the dimensional slip happened, when did the Universe go sour? There is the theory of ultimate universes with endless outcomes, I guess we get the one with the crappy ending after all. The words and thoughts I am getting are fluent and understandable, but would only make sense to others after some good hard filtering. So I am writing a bit and then working on some artwork, and writing my latest/oldest book in my head. Like I have said many times before, I have no idea what this writing stuff that I am told that I am apparently somewhat talented at is going to lead to. If it takes me away from here, for any length of time at the moment it can't be all that bad. A needed therapy, even if it is in fits and starts.
There is still hopes of a miracle in the checks and balances established years ago. I thought there would be a few more of them used in the lead up to this point. There were so many failures on so many levels that I can't go into them all. The biggest one is the voices that needed to be heard for once, got shut out at the most crucial moment in our history. The good that was done, the history behind it all not showcased, instead this became a crotch induced panic from both sides. A ex acquaintance who threw us into this said that it was also a rebuke of the militant feminism being hammered out on men. After holding down my lunch and thinking about laughing my anger came and like people say it is a dubious luxury that anger stuff. It allows all of the building of good habits to be eroded, and wiped away, anger, hate, pity, fear and just plain old pissy-ness sets in easily around you. Flowers stop growing on the hopes of a future and the weeds begin on our graves.
This was an historic election, one in which a few million people elected to throw away a nation. The stars were out when I started this and they are out once more as I finish it too. I am glad that I write Science Fiction and fantasy books and that my imagination can take me to worlds far far from this maddening and even frightful place. It makes me think that maybe like those primal screams that allows the soul to be released to the stars, this was in effect the same thing. A primal defiance, that would only leave the thought of America as distant as those little points of light, and a hope of a future together that still remains outside of the grasp of humanity. Somewhere beyond our home, the carried principles will remain, the carried promises are given, and the flag will represent not hate or oppression, but hope once more. May we be forgiven our sins, our shortcomings, our nature, may we be forgiven?
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