Tempests Follow

   There is a systematic dismantlement going on in America. It is not our infrastructure, our politics or our morals. It is in our basic judiciary, our justice system, in our beliefs. With this new found voice that the common person has found online, a step back in our social evolution is taking place. On every page and with every keystroke the entirety of our existence is being argued about, heralded and flat out lied about. That is the freedom we have in this country, we get to lie with impunity, we get to pull things like a Stretch Armstrong to make our points, make us right, make us feel justified.   No matter what your thoughts are about the guilt or innocence of Bill Cosby and the allegations against him, this is true. The man has not been convicted, the man has not been tried by a jury of his peers, this dismantling of the person has been done by the media and social media alone. That much is very clear to me when I take everything else off of the table. The same thing is happ

   The acts of valor, the names of the fallen, the untold heroism, for their country, for their families, for their countrymen. Freedom.   From every walk of life, from every distant land, from every piece of all that we had become. Liberty.  To the sweat of a woman's brow, to the song of a freed person, the tide rises and a nation matures. Justice.  On this Memorial Day the loss and acts are not lost to this citizen. The battles and stories refreshed again to continue in our best oral traditions. We are a proud nation filled with the sons and daughters of those that had fallen and those who survived. Both being tempered by war and the aftermath that lasts for more than a lifetime. There is pride flowing across all the divides of this Red, White and Blue nation. There are those though who would steal the valor, claim all things US, and in the process defile all with their calls of superiority.   In the articles and comments, in the replies and posts there is an overriding

   There is one thing that has been bugging me throughout this entire campaign process. Every candidate has been put through the wringer, except one. Every candidate has had their records and their past completely blown open in the press and by anyone with even a microscopic axe to grind, except one. This is being facilitated by supporters of Sanders and by the press, who are willfully skipping that part of the whole vetting process. It goes all the way down to comment sections, where any mention that Sanders could be something else is quickly folded in with talk of ignorance or plain stupidity. The point is, people don't want people to look too hard at Bernie, his holier than thou political stance, or the issue that he may not be who he may seem to be.   Sanders has some darkness in his past and an association to groups that some might stop and pause about if they were highlighted. The conscientious objector status he submitted during the Viet Nam War will not ingratiate him to t

   In a few weeks I am going on a Men's Retreat with my brother. It is billed as a spiritual retreat of sorts, and this years theme is the eighth step.  "Made a list of all persons we have harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all."  There is a certain amount of acceptance and tolerance that one must have with themselves and others to do this step. I see it lacking much of the time in the program and in life in general. There is a spirituality gap, and empathy wall that even the best of folks seem to have a hard time climbing. It appears to me during many times of examination that belief in something also brings about a good deal of denial of other things. I don't think that is what the God that I believe in wanted, at least not for me.  Now in the last few years my spirituality and understanding of these things have grown exponentially. My belief system formed a solidity I had yet to experience in my life, I believe in God. Not your God, or their God

 Politics, loathe or love it, people forget sometimes the reason it is so messed up is that it deals with us people, the citizens. We have a good way of forgetting how we have gotten this far too, we are in fact our own worst enemy.   As I see the constant attacks on everything like it is some continued version of Bush's shock and awe campaign, I wonder. What the heck is the next President going to go through? What is the ultimate end game in all of this? With Women and the Hispanic population now cautioning Democrats about being too cocky about their vote, I have to just shake my head. With Sanders supporters unable to vote for the other blue ticket and a little too much hugging at the hip of Trump's camp, I have to just shake my head. With the messages that I am getting from the people, the citizens and their wishes... I can't just shake my head, the Exorcist comes to mind as my head spins round and round. No wonder the debate clubs are vanishing around the country we ar

 OK, got that birthday thing out of the way. Brand new decade... Solutions, action, health. Is this the beginning of the end, or the end of this beginning?

Ok, I couldn't figure out a way to say it's my 50th Birthday today. Will check in later on it... I made a bet with my wife that maybe two other people might remember. Of those two one may call. Sad but true... I only have myself to blame.  I said I would revisit this and sans a few people that wished me well on Facebook. Yeah, it was just another day, nobody really called except my brother Rick and I had to call my Mother and brother Randy. Other than that, the neighbors upstairs got me a card and a little gift. It was low key, leftovers and everything.

 I still look over the pages of Yabberz, get the news, see what people are posting. It is really very interesting to see it through the blocks, through those that have shut your voice out of their circles.   I see that conservatives have mostly ruined the site with their stretches at truths and just plain lies. The discerning filters that should have been in place early on, lost to chants of censorship now. The morass of humanity backing up in the pipes and the descent into us humans nature apparent.   Today there is a question about guns, which kind do ya like? Liberals need not reply. Now this is not the first time this kind of thing has come up. It has come up in my life too, as a gentle nature belies a startling truth. That I am the last person someone would like to see upset, the last person that would be called a little too girly, too soft. I have said it many times before that I am just as mean as I am nice, and I can be awfully nice. So what is it with this need of some to th

   So, I have written on the number of issues I have had with this recovery, this changing of life quite literally. I have written on the HSP issues and the point that I learn differently and think that way too. The introvert and the sensitive, the naive and wise. There is the point that I am a writer of words, and an unfulfilled desire to get them out. I have really figured part of it out, when I speak I don't communicate well. When I write, I am the person that my head tells me I am. Those damn social anxieties that come stock with the model show up at all the wrong times. There is the do no harm mantra as I ply my way to the surface, and another unfulfilled desire to know what it all means, the why's, and the to what ends?...    One of the thoughts that went through my head over the weekend was to put it all together. Since this HSP nature happens to only 16% of the population I thought I would start there. The Big Book does well in addressing the different types of natures

  You know, I have a problem when they put a prompt for the title of something at the top. I want to fill it out, but I have no idea what I am going to say most of the time. I have a lot to say these days.  I have taken my blog offline for a bit while I think about this reoccurring flight from writing and reaching out. I have a feeling it has to do with my introvert stuff but I am not sure. The overall theme that I am getting back is stay and fight through it. The first thing I did in recovery is learn to cease fighting everyone and everything, kind of a confusing point there. I do not mind a good fight if I know the cause is righteous and true and honest. I don't know if I can fight for myself then, I am so unsure of all of those things and fear the truth as well. My only job seems to be not making things worse right now.    In the Big Book they talk about letting God remove all of these defects of character. My societal interactions dictate that I have defects, but is it my cha

    There are so many things in life, so many areas of our nature and lives that define us. That list is as long as each of our individual days, and at times as short as the next breath. Sometimes the things overlooked, the things you are unaware of becomes a wall of thought, an obstacle to moving in any direction, least of all forward.   In reading the stories here, and experiencing a little bit of others lives. A thought has been rumbling around this big empty space. In this big constant search for who I am, an equally big question popped up again. What am I? What defines me anymore? In this search for acceptance of what people are, who the heck am I supposed to be?   This may surprise some but I live with the issue that I want to commit suicide daily. It is not a joke, it is not a phase or some kind of thing that doctors or drugs can really fix. It is part of a genetic and realistic mindset that see's no purpose in continuing. I am not helping the greater good, so I must be ta

Well for all the writing I seem to be doing. I know I can come back here and talk to myself. This site gets no visitors beyond the curious search engine hits. Sometimes the smallest emotion is the hardest thing to explain. If you are a male and do it just a wee bit off then you are shut down on many issues. I did that, I wasn't wrong in my eyes, but now I am categorized as a boogeyman and misogynist. I don't have to write there, it was just getting my voice out a bit. But they are tired and done with it, I can certainly see and understand that. Well I still have this hole when it's all burning inside. Just not a lot of reason to talk to myself out loud anymore. I guess I am just leaving this for the digital record of some distant future if nothing else.

From the Lyrics page "Is Heaven Real?" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nj4mf914tFY A little acapella I did for a friend a while back.

I wrote a mess of words over a two week period in October of 2013. I called it a book, I posted it under books. It is really rough, but I at least finished something.

Sometimes the world seems a million miles away. When all of a sudden you are transported to some place you don't know, debilitating lonesomeness sets in. Where all of your screams have no hope of reaching anyone's ears or mind. Cold like the wrecking of nerves that start in the middle of your bones, and profoundly joyless in your search for anything familiar, anything of light. The searching goes on, unaware that the direction may just be leading you farther from the light. You don't know, there is no marker and doing something is just a way to keep from giving up completely, knowing that to stop is to die, most completely. Is it a dance? is it a stroll? Whatever do you do when stuck in the dark, where there are no feels and everything radiates cold. The warmth of a some kind of path quickly lost to the icy wind of doubt and fear, of mistrust and lack of faith in much.   Losing and gaining, the trade is not always of equal value or the timing of it makes it worth a little

So a Friend makes these adult coloring books, this is one of the pics I colored. Her name is Shelah Dow and she is on Amazon. Hey, at least now I can say I have done something with my writing.

I was going to write about what a waste of time this all is. That would be a waste of time then. Why write lyrics when you are no musician? Why write anything at all, it's just opinions and stuff and there seems to be too much of that kind of thing as it is. Why create anything in this destructive world, it is all just a waste of time. I just need to get a job and a lobotomy and stop thinking that this creating is going to ever lead anywhere. Just pieces of dreams that refuse to let go of me, hard to shake all of the dead skin off the first time I guess. Maybe I will be a grown up after all one day.

  I have mentioned Yabberz before, a commenting site and news discussion place I write on at times. It is hard to put energy into the site at times. It is not the disagreeing voices and discussions. It is not the snarky and thinly veiled insults and insinuations. It is the pollution plain and simple, the pollution of the kind of branding and "news" that the right deems worthy. It is their processes of attacking the messengers and diluting the message, bringing the value of any discussion to zero. Baseline mentalities that look for every reason to jerk their knees and "teach" everyone who disagrees. Bring you down to their levels and bash you with their well used dummy clubs.   I know a lot of people who are Republican and Conservative and they don't act like this in real life. They don't act like this in front of their Mother, why the hell do they do it on these pages? I have spent two and three hours writing something to be considered for discussion only t

  Why not, life is flying by all the time out of control to a degree. There is a story about acetaminifin dulling the empathy area of your psyche. I have to say that just a few months ago I was wondering if it was doing something like that to me. Since I seem to care so much, I was noticing I cared just a little bit less and was able to concentrate on other things. I remember that I was going to look into it and this is the next thing I see on it, hmm.   Retreating again, with my back and my body proving difficult in getting back to normal. These little reaches out into the society of it all are at least getting longer. I have to look into if neuropathy can lead to permanent muscle weakening etc... My right side doing funny things again. That is not all, I am also doing the mental retreat having given probably too much of myself again. I must have to keep a lot of things a mystery or else people see the idiot hacking away at the keys. Of course I had to prove my point and prove it wel

  As with anything, time takes time. As much as I want to figure out a bunch of things about myself and life, time takes time.   In old habits I found that if I would fail at something a lot of the times I just stopped doing it and writing myself off as a failure. Easy to do with my esteem issues, and a big cop out on experiences like working through stuff, and working with people. That was a big part of the fear I used to screw up a good portion of my life. I could see that I was a failure at so much, I just couldn't let others see it. Like alcohol, I could be a raving alcoholic, I just couldn't let others see it. They were just alike, everyone knew I was an alcoholic, and most knew I was a failure as well.   In new habits I am letting the failures in a lot more. Not turning my back with every little pitfall and downer thought. Taking my writing back to my home here and in my books more and more. Yes, I read my articles again I know they all sound like the same Barry Manilo