I know what my previous post said, I wrote it. I may have to re-evaluate everything after the events of Sunday morning though.
In my meditations and prayers I am trying to find what my higher power is trying to tell me. I think that is a pretty common endeavor enough. I believe he sent a hammer this time to drive the point through to me. He sent it through my oldest friend on this planet, and it is scaring me to my very core.
Throughout my life I have had a "best friend" his name is Mike. I met him when we were just kids about two or three, I just remember him always being there. He had two brothers and I had all of my family, but since my brothers were so much older he was kind of like one too. Mike was always the kid that did the exciting stuff, his dad had guns, they scuba dived, they had boats. Now they were not well off in any manner, they just did this stuff. He was the tough kid and I was the big kid, so we kind of meshed together well. We were in cub scouts and boy scouts together, went hiking and things later on in life. It was a great friendship. He was though my dealer as well and my pot connection for years, like 30 of them and the reason for many of my money problems early on in life. He was a con and a manipulator and I knew and saw it all, but he was my friend.
Just like any friend though he treated me poorly a great amount of the time, making fun just a little too much. He had a lot of friends and even though I called him my best friend I am certain I was not his most of the time. Always getting into trouble of some kind with the law or with authority as we grew older the less we saw of each other. It was just too costly in so many ways to be around him.
We had been through a lifetime and we had shared and experienced things nobody could ever imagine. You do that kind of thing with your buds, so I wasn't going to just be dead to him. We would go out for hikes when our lives allowed it and talk the same old stories to death. Living out our glory days and inserting just the right lies to make them sound good after all of these years.
I had always had a job when we were growing up, and many times I had to fork over a good chunk of my check to him to pay for my pot. He was always a manipulator and player of people and money situations and was always a step ahead. It really pissed me off that he was the one sitting in a house and I was the one struggling in the apartments. There was just no justice in this world it seemed, he was always going to have all the toys and all of the good luck. God laughed and sent me a ghost.
As I have gotten older and more sober in my ways there is a defining clarity about what is important in this life of mine, and others I would hope. Love, and truth, the simple things in life are not so simple and worth every bit of work to get there. My world grew ten times its size and my worries shrunk down to the size of my heart.
This has been for me lately a time of great caution, and poking, and using 411 to find out if I have a signal at times. I know that I am at a crossroads in my life, that has been more than defined. I understand a lot of the things I am supposed to learn and do. This week though brought the entirety of my life back in a few full screen moments. Last Tuesday I had an emotional meltdown over the issue of feeling ignored or less than. I get that, I don't have a lot in my life and a great many things have a meaning all to my own thinking. I am holding onto hope pretty hard still and I am thin in the middle. I decided to watch the movie Interstellar and that too got my head wondering what I am trying to be told. Then on a Sunday morning, two days before my fourth anniversary of my sobriety. A poltergeist of a history that I came too close to being walked in my front door.
My wife was having a lazy Sunday morning with her coffee. She had heard the neighbors pull in and when a knock followed shortly thereafter thought it was them. Going to the door in her robe she was surprised to see that it was not them at all. It also took her a second to recognize the person with his friend at the door was my old friend Mike. He was with an old female friend of his and his family and she invited them in. I had been awake most of the night writing and was taking a little nap to catch up on my sleep, so she woke me and told me I had a visitor. I had not seen Mike in over a year, closer to two. He had gotten in more trouble and had done some time in prison, I had called him a few times to make sure he was alive though. He seemed like his old self enough the last time I talked to him but he kept going on about his wife and her sneaking around. When he showed up Sunday he soon was making my wife uncomfortable in her own home and this was not even close to any Mike that I knew.
He had always been a little dense, no, a lot dense. You could be speaking right to him and he would simply ignore you to concentrate on what he was doing. It was hard to get and keep his attention and now it was worse. Mike always had been the wild child like I said and he had taken his share of hard hits and falls. He probably saved my life a few times because I was the one to let him do things then decide that I didn't want to do it after I saw the result. This had left him with numerous injuries, a stabbing, and over a dozen good concussions. I suspected something like CTE years ago but had no idea what to call it. But Mike was here on this Sunday morning, one where I was grateful and but in the middle of a great change in my life still. His first comment to my wife and I was that he was higher than high and pie eyed. OK, Mike was my pot connection for years but he didn't smoke that much at all and hardly ever later in life. I knew he had messed around with Meth and a few other things so I don't know what the heck he was high on. He was not connecting, he was not here to see me and his paranoia was at an all time and rabid peak.
Here he was outside of the county that he was in trouble in. He is high on drugs when he has a lot hanging over his head as far as time. At this point thinking about it I hope he gets caught good, I am tired of seeing him bounce like this. But some of us don't get to come back, my sister Cindy all too much of a testament to that law. Too many of my friends that I have known over the years, never getting to say goodbye, or tell them that I love them. From suicides to overdoses to addiction related causes my life is filled with the corpses of addiction. Too many of them still living in their meatsuits now, simply hollow waiting for their time.
I have a choice to make soon and that is do I call him? I know that I will, and I will tell him the same thing he seemingly did not hear on Sunday. He just kept glaring and playing with his phone and repeating that I don't understand. I told him he doesn't get that, that I am the only one that will, but you gotta say something! My repeated pleas and attempts to connect to that person that was Mike was completely gone. I asked him to leave, he could not compute, I told him he was making my wife uncomfortable, he could not compute. Then with an odd sigh of resignation and me giving him all the time in the world to just say something, he left. He handed his keys off to the woman he came with and left. The coldness that I felt right then made my skin climb high, I recognized it, I felt it again all too soon, a ghost.
I will do all I can, but it is not my choice to make. There are some things in this world that are between a man and his maker alone. I cannot fix him I cannot tell him what he is I can just be an example, and hope. You see even though I don't have much these days and I am thin on hope myself I always have plenty to hand out, that's the way it works. I cannot scream louder that he needs help that never works, I can only hope and pray. He needs other help too, a broken man with a broken brain will just build broken worlds.
As I sit and think about the things of my past and the time that has gone by I can't help but wonder if I will see him again. A good man at heart and actually a pretty decent friend, lost like I was not so long ago in his world of gossamer lies and house of cards manipulations. I started this off wondering what my higher power has been trying to tell me and I think I know a bit more now.
The one thing I know in all of this world is that things never stay the same. I hope when things change I will have the opportunity to be able to look at him and say I love you. I hope more than ever that he is alive to say it back.
In my meditations and prayers I am trying to find what my higher power is trying to tell me. I think that is a pretty common endeavor enough. I believe he sent a hammer this time to drive the point through to me. He sent it through my oldest friend on this planet, and it is scaring me to my very core.
Throughout my life I have had a "best friend" his name is Mike. I met him when we were just kids about two or three, I just remember him always being there. He had two brothers and I had all of my family, but since my brothers were so much older he was kind of like one too. Mike was always the kid that did the exciting stuff, his dad had guns, they scuba dived, they had boats. Now they were not well off in any manner, they just did this stuff. He was the tough kid and I was the big kid, so we kind of meshed together well. We were in cub scouts and boy scouts together, went hiking and things later on in life. It was a great friendship. He was though my dealer as well and my pot connection for years, like 30 of them and the reason for many of my money problems early on in life. He was a con and a manipulator and I knew and saw it all, but he was my friend.
Just like any friend though he treated me poorly a great amount of the time, making fun just a little too much. He had a lot of friends and even though I called him my best friend I am certain I was not his most of the time. Always getting into trouble of some kind with the law or with authority as we grew older the less we saw of each other. It was just too costly in so many ways to be around him.
We had been through a lifetime and we had shared and experienced things nobody could ever imagine. You do that kind of thing with your buds, so I wasn't going to just be dead to him. We would go out for hikes when our lives allowed it and talk the same old stories to death. Living out our glory days and inserting just the right lies to make them sound good after all of these years.
I had always had a job when we were growing up, and many times I had to fork over a good chunk of my check to him to pay for my pot. He was always a manipulator and player of people and money situations and was always a step ahead. It really pissed me off that he was the one sitting in a house and I was the one struggling in the apartments. There was just no justice in this world it seemed, he was always going to have all the toys and all of the good luck. God laughed and sent me a ghost.
As I have gotten older and more sober in my ways there is a defining clarity about what is important in this life of mine, and others I would hope. Love, and truth, the simple things in life are not so simple and worth every bit of work to get there. My world grew ten times its size and my worries shrunk down to the size of my heart.
This has been for me lately a time of great caution, and poking, and using 411 to find out if I have a signal at times. I know that I am at a crossroads in my life, that has been more than defined. I understand a lot of the things I am supposed to learn and do. This week though brought the entirety of my life back in a few full screen moments. Last Tuesday I had an emotional meltdown over the issue of feeling ignored or less than. I get that, I don't have a lot in my life and a great many things have a meaning all to my own thinking. I am holding onto hope pretty hard still and I am thin in the middle. I decided to watch the movie Interstellar and that too got my head wondering what I am trying to be told. Then on a Sunday morning, two days before my fourth anniversary of my sobriety. A poltergeist of a history that I came too close to being walked in my front door.
My wife was having a lazy Sunday morning with her coffee. She had heard the neighbors pull in and when a knock followed shortly thereafter thought it was them. Going to the door in her robe she was surprised to see that it was not them at all. It also took her a second to recognize the person with his friend at the door was my old friend Mike. He was with an old female friend of his and his family and she invited them in. I had been awake most of the night writing and was taking a little nap to catch up on my sleep, so she woke me and told me I had a visitor. I had not seen Mike in over a year, closer to two. He had gotten in more trouble and had done some time in prison, I had called him a few times to make sure he was alive though. He seemed like his old self enough the last time I talked to him but he kept going on about his wife and her sneaking around. When he showed up Sunday he soon was making my wife uncomfortable in her own home and this was not even close to any Mike that I knew.
He had always been a little dense, no, a lot dense. You could be speaking right to him and he would simply ignore you to concentrate on what he was doing. It was hard to get and keep his attention and now it was worse. Mike always had been the wild child like I said and he had taken his share of hard hits and falls. He probably saved my life a few times because I was the one to let him do things then decide that I didn't want to do it after I saw the result. This had left him with numerous injuries, a stabbing, and over a dozen good concussions. I suspected something like CTE years ago but had no idea what to call it. But Mike was here on this Sunday morning, one where I was grateful and but in the middle of a great change in my life still. His first comment to my wife and I was that he was higher than high and pie eyed. OK, Mike was my pot connection for years but he didn't smoke that much at all and hardly ever later in life. I knew he had messed around with Meth and a few other things so I don't know what the heck he was high on. He was not connecting, he was not here to see me and his paranoia was at an all time and rabid peak.
Here he was outside of the county that he was in trouble in. He is high on drugs when he has a lot hanging over his head as far as time. At this point thinking about it I hope he gets caught good, I am tired of seeing him bounce like this. But some of us don't get to come back, my sister Cindy all too much of a testament to that law. Too many of my friends that I have known over the years, never getting to say goodbye, or tell them that I love them. From suicides to overdoses to addiction related causes my life is filled with the corpses of addiction. Too many of them still living in their meatsuits now, simply hollow waiting for their time.
I have a choice to make soon and that is do I call him? I know that I will, and I will tell him the same thing he seemingly did not hear on Sunday. He just kept glaring and playing with his phone and repeating that I don't understand. I told him he doesn't get that, that I am the only one that will, but you gotta say something! My repeated pleas and attempts to connect to that person that was Mike was completely gone. I asked him to leave, he could not compute, I told him he was making my wife uncomfortable, he could not compute. Then with an odd sigh of resignation and me giving him all the time in the world to just say something, he left. He handed his keys off to the woman he came with and left. The coldness that I felt right then made my skin climb high, I recognized it, I felt it again all too soon, a ghost.
I will do all I can, but it is not my choice to make. There are some things in this world that are between a man and his maker alone. I cannot fix him I cannot tell him what he is I can just be an example, and hope. You see even though I don't have much these days and I am thin on hope myself I always have plenty to hand out, that's the way it works. I cannot scream louder that he needs help that never works, I can only hope and pray. He needs other help too, a broken man with a broken brain will just build broken worlds.
As I sit and think about the things of my past and the time that has gone by I can't help but wonder if I will see him again. A good man at heart and actually a pretty decent friend, lost like I was not so long ago in his world of gossamer lies and house of cards manipulations. I started this off wondering what my higher power has been trying to tell me and I think I know a bit more now.
The one thing I know in all of this world is that things never stay the same. I hope when things change I will have the opportunity to be able to look at him and say I love you. I hope more than ever that he is alive to say it back.
Meatsuits
We do not wish the world away, we hold dear so very much,
We cannot wish the pain away, or drink and drug it such,
We can do all that we can, to suffer less through pain,
We can let others know, we know, we feel the same,
Let those who question what it's like, to know no fear like ours,
For real and true this condition is, the depths they go very far,
I will not close my eyes to that which I can't understand,
For this bane has taught me much, of myself and fellow man,
So shatter not with dimly views, of others and their plights,
Hold them dear in prayers and thoughts, that they make it through the night.
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