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No Need to Know Me

  Researchers at the University of Sussex have found that snails use two cells to make complex decisions. I am thinking that just because we have more, it may be a ruse to think we use them.

  I returned early from a men's spiritual retreat. It was one that I was looking forward to for a few months. My brother had invited me to go along with some of his friends in the program. I honestly felt honored and humbled that he would do this for me. I messed up again, I don't know how this is going to work going forward at all. At this point I am just trying to head off a looming depression.
   With my writing I feel kind of like Forest Gump did with his running. He ran, and when he was done he stopped runn'in. Right now I suppose you could say that I have hit the writers wall. A point that if this is truly what I am supposed to be doing it better show itself. Not in accolades or assurances of talent or prose, but in showing of progress, a discovery of knowledge of my inner self. If this is what I am supposed to be doing then I need some kind of sign, I hope I have the courage to look for it, and a willingness to accept that it may not be what I want to hear. My God is saying write, I am saying ... is it right?
   The words are all hollow now in those meetings that I go to. Loss of substance, loss of character, simply repeated lines. The speak is a learned process, and the actions and reactions are in my eyes built in. These folks have an answer for everything about it all, you just have to follow and repeat the code. Uneven responses and questioning is not a part of it all, you do not get the same reaction from poking me that you would someone else. So this raised an issue with me and some aspects of the program. When I try to find answers about it, knowing full well who and what I am now. I am told that I am not that, and that it must be something else because you don't poke right.
  As part of the weekend we were reviewing and discussing Tradition Eight. It is about hiring of special workers and professionalism vs the I have been there knowledge of the alcoholic. Pretty straightforward stuff, and I was interacting with one of the smaller groups we broke into. A very nice gentleman who is a friend of my brother interrupted it all and brought out the Big Book. It was not the book we were discussing and he pointed to the three pertinent ideas that is found in How it Works? a. That I am an alcoholic, and that my life was unmanageable. b. That no human power could relieve my alcoholism. c. That God could, and would, if he were sought.
  He said "You need to learn this."... I looked at him and nodded, I said I know it well. In a scolding tone he said, "No, you don't !" I stood up from the table right then and said "I am sorry so and so, I am not going to keep on being insulted like this. Too many years and not enough days. I then walked back to my bunk and packed my bags. Don't sit there and tell me I know no God, or that I haven't sought help and guidance in daily prayer.
  I write about it every day, but that doesn't count I hear, it has to be face to face out in the streets. Needless to say that between a busted back and a serious intestinal issue, I found myself unable to do much street work. My attempts at finding a purpose dismissed, my connections to the fellowship lost. These folks did not care, there were no calls, no talk of family, no friends that will help you out through the tough times. Their words got hollow, their faces forgotten, that dismissal goes far. Their talk if acceptance and the illusion of tolerance blinding them to the very words that reside in the book they preach from. Continued to grow.
  I am not down on the program, I want to be a "part of." I am trying to find out how and why my recovery seems like so much a different picture than others. Is it really just that genetic thing? Is it all just a matter of thinking in different terms? Hell, I know now my head doesn't work like everyone else's, that doesn't mean I shouldn't try to understand why, is it right? Is it kind? Is it true? I may as well have Autism or Asperger's, the differences in understanding and the shallowness of thought in others astounds me. I am truly viewing the world differently, but in the real life world nobody wants or cares to listen. It's too hard, that is what they cannot accept. It's too hard for them, so what in the hell do you think it's doing to me? Support group? Not so much at times.
 Yeah, here I go through another state as Gump the... writer? Trying to figure out how to get to and through this phase of my development. This pondering is not a part of the program, for it means a lack of faith to most, but like I have said I am not most. Bridging the gap and maybe coming up with solutions to these idiosyncrasies in my recovery may help guide me in the future, and may help others as well. Like a friend said as I told him about my selfish guilt in all this writing. It is selfish up an until you hit enter, from there it is the most unselfish thing you can do. Share of yourself to others, give freely what is given to you. Namaste










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