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A Year Long Dear John

Dear 2016,
I really want to say that it wasn't you, that it was me, but I can't. To be honest I haven't met another one like you before. Strange, enticing, emotional, you were like drinking a sriracha shamrock milkshake while riding the inverted roller coaster. I know that it could have been better if I had tried harder, though you will have to fill me in where that was because you just took a contrarian stance.
I should have known though, things were just starting to go right again before you came along. Always throwing away what we have worked for for the next flashy thing. I hear you are with a casino guy now with spray on hair and tan, you sound perfect for each other. I wish that I had the chance to... WTH? Nooo! I don't wish to do it all over again, I am just going to hope that therapy and STD treatment can help me through this one. You are like the smoker that never leaves my clothes, and the little sores that pop up out of the blue to remind me of those blackout sex romps I only heard that I did years later. Your huge coming out party though infected a good majority of the world, so I nominated you for the next name of huge contagion, the next ebola or whatnot. 
Yes, 2016, you were simply a huge and costly disappointment, and your attitude was... well... you were a bitch! I don't know how I will begin to trust a 2018, or 2022? You have really sucker punched my emotions and sensibilities and I wanted you to know that! I have been with at least fifty of you before and never, I mean never have I been treated so bizzarely screwed over. You have not only changed all of those future ones, but the place they have to live in too and it is not going to be easy for them either. It is only fitting that at midnight there is a room full of infants with baseball bats waiting for you. I hope your antique Oompa Loompa will still like you then.
You have taken away too much from us, enough for a few generations. This is new, because only wars have ever done this much damage before. So I nominated you for the next name of environmental disaster as well, Exxon who?
You are just going to have to live with yourself in the end. I am moving on, into the other 'merica, of happy and ignorant bliss while the world still rotates. I am really going to give my all to this stunning new 2017 though. I am going to hold onto my wallet with this one, guard my heart, and just live to live. Because now, because of you, I don't know anymore how long that will be, and the numbers just went back to the bookies.
You took away our stars and our up and coming ones as well. You killed off the talent and brought in the jokers who don't pay the rent. Yeah, 2016, I am so very glad to see you go and I hope I never see one like you again. Resolutions are a good things at times like these, so I had to finish off this one to get to number two.


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