On the fiftieth Christmas that I got to spend with some family I observed quite a bit. It has been a year of so much change, why should it stop at the family doors.
Let me start by saying that the overall message I got was to stay far away and quiet and to just send money. My family I have found even more convincingly values the worth of a person by how much they make, how much they don't need anything from anyone. So since I am going through so much change, giving them what they want will be job number one.
My being unable to drive is a hindrance and a burden on people around me, so if I cannot get somewhere on my own I won't ask for a ride. The money we make is barely able to support us and falls short about time for rent, I will not ask for help. I will just let the consequences of being ill take its course and try my best to live through the outcome. I will stay my distance from family and friends because apparently I am not doing anything right enough for their standards, so instead of insulting their sensibilities I just will simply grace them with my absence.
I have been trying to find the next steps in life and I am getting there slowly. This Gifted/HSP business has given me the last part of my psyche that was needed. Though now that I am becoming whole, for once in my life, I am losing everything else that I held dear and close, my country, people, and my family. If you have kids there is a reason to celebrate, a reason to gather. When you are alone with your wife though, you find yourself a third wheel and looking for an exit. It becomes a point where it is not your family anymore, just a collection of strangers that judge you from a past you cannot change. A future you are trying to define.
On Thanksgiving my brother was giving my wife and I a ride home. His daughter was getting married in three weeks, the week before Christmas. He asked me if I wanted to make a little money and he then said he needed a couple of large chess pieces for the head table. I had never done anything like that before, but to help out I said I would try my best. Now with three weeks and my limited abilities to stand still for long periods, still about an hour at most at a time. I already had a week's worth of work on pens and gifts for a friend out of state. The wedding was a timeline I couldn't not meet, my brother has been there so much for me I couldn't let him down. So I finished up the pen orders and once again I painfully put my friends gifts on the back burner. I turned my attention to the big project at hand and went into creative mode. It really didn't matter too much, my plans blew out on the first try, the weather had gone into the 20's and my shop had no heat. With less than a week to go I went at it again, cutting and gluing hardwoods, bringing them inside to dry, to try to cure enough to turn them. You can't wear gloves with this kind of work and my back was fried early and often, but I plugged on through missteps and learning curves. I put in about thirty hours in those last few days, neglecting my health to get the job done. My sinus's were making my ears feel like spikes being hammered in, my back was swollen and numb, and I couldn't feel my legs for the most part. As my hands were turning a curious shade of blue/white and my arms were just shaking from the overuse, I got them done. The morning of the wedding day I was putting on the finishing touches, the paint and crown and wedding ribbon colors, all of which cost no small amount to us. I used our food money to finish these out believing it was going to be replaced.
At the wedding I was fried, I had only gotten a few hours of sleep because I had gotten myself tired beyond my norms could take. Brought a gift and the chess pieces, and even though people liked them it was not about that and I understood that well enough. Nothing was said by my brother about payment or anything and I just let it be, I would see him at Christmas when everything had calmed down. On Christmas day when he was driving us home, all he could do is be upset and ask about the forty bucks I owed him for a propane heater that he got me, yet I had no way to get propane until well after it was really needed. I told him I thought I was going to get a little something for making the pieces, at that he just scoffed, and I told him I would get it to him as soon as possible, the electric utility had jumped our butts this last week and took away our Christmas giving. I am now the bad guy again, and last night I figured it all out a little bit more.
My Mother and my brother are not on my side, they just don't want any undue guilt. They probably think they failed my late sister. So they don't want to fail me, at the same time they don't want to put in the effort as much and fall short again. The good thing is my wife and I have no kids, so there is no real collateral damage so just let it happen more. My brother has at least heard a few of my articles and he says they are well written at least, my mother just listens politely and says ok, forgetting it as the words pass from my mouth. Like I said, it's how much you make, not what you make that is the only thing that would make her proud of me, so I am just going to stop trying. There is just no pleasing some people no matter how much you try, and that includes Moms I guess. My brother is acting like he is picking up another son of some kind because of my neediness. That is going to get nipped in the bud here immediately, and so is everything else.
You see I just will take the advice that has been so overtly delivered. I will take the hint and stay away, don't share what I do, don't need for anything. Don't ever let on that I am making it or not making it ever again. Because as much as those two would like to think they are being shining knights, they are also using every bit of my trust and what is happening in my life to make gossipy and just wrong statements about me and my character. Mixing in all of my old actions with my new and coming up with a hybrid of a person that fits neither realities as they really are. Like in AA, they will tell the truth about you, just not to you. With ten bucks from a scratch ticket given out as a stocking stuffer and a house with no food in it, they will never know. I will not tell them, I will not break. I would rather blow my brains out than ask anyone for anything ever again, especially family.
So Christmas has changed for the different, for the rest of my life and I guess you could say that Santa has died in my tiny heart. This year my country has changed, my "friends" have disappeared, my family has made things clear. My inner self has been put to peace in a barren land of tomorrows, those things that I only wanted understanding from are lost to time and to the years life. They say that this gifted life is lonely and I understand that much so succinctly. They say it is also painful, and I have to attest that it is, I am learning not to suffer so, but it doesn't mean I will not.
I will not ask for anything, and in return I expect nothing. Dreamers have no value.
Let me start by saying that the overall message I got was to stay far away and quiet and to just send money. My family I have found even more convincingly values the worth of a person by how much they make, how much they don't need anything from anyone. So since I am going through so much change, giving them what they want will be job number one.
My being unable to drive is a hindrance and a burden on people around me, so if I cannot get somewhere on my own I won't ask for a ride. The money we make is barely able to support us and falls short about time for rent, I will not ask for help. I will just let the consequences of being ill take its course and try my best to live through the outcome. I will stay my distance from family and friends because apparently I am not doing anything right enough for their standards, so instead of insulting their sensibilities I just will simply grace them with my absence.
I have been trying to find the next steps in life and I am getting there slowly. This Gifted/HSP business has given me the last part of my psyche that was needed. Though now that I am becoming whole, for once in my life, I am losing everything else that I held dear and close, my country, people, and my family. If you have kids there is a reason to celebrate, a reason to gather. When you are alone with your wife though, you find yourself a third wheel and looking for an exit. It becomes a point where it is not your family anymore, just a collection of strangers that judge you from a past you cannot change. A future you are trying to define.
On Thanksgiving my brother was giving my wife and I a ride home. His daughter was getting married in three weeks, the week before Christmas. He asked me if I wanted to make a little money and he then said he needed a couple of large chess pieces for the head table. I had never done anything like that before, but to help out I said I would try my best. Now with three weeks and my limited abilities to stand still for long periods, still about an hour at most at a time. I already had a week's worth of work on pens and gifts for a friend out of state. The wedding was a timeline I couldn't not meet, my brother has been there so much for me I couldn't let him down. So I finished up the pen orders and once again I painfully put my friends gifts on the back burner. I turned my attention to the big project at hand and went into creative mode. It really didn't matter too much, my plans blew out on the first try, the weather had gone into the 20's and my shop had no heat. With less than a week to go I went at it again, cutting and gluing hardwoods, bringing them inside to dry, to try to cure enough to turn them. You can't wear gloves with this kind of work and my back was fried early and often, but I plugged on through missteps and learning curves. I put in about thirty hours in those last few days, neglecting my health to get the job done. My sinus's were making my ears feel like spikes being hammered in, my back was swollen and numb, and I couldn't feel my legs for the most part. As my hands were turning a curious shade of blue/white and my arms were just shaking from the overuse, I got them done. The morning of the wedding day I was putting on the finishing touches, the paint and crown and wedding ribbon colors, all of which cost no small amount to us. I used our food money to finish these out believing it was going to be replaced.
At the wedding I was fried, I had only gotten a few hours of sleep because I had gotten myself tired beyond my norms could take. Brought a gift and the chess pieces, and even though people liked them it was not about that and I understood that well enough. Nothing was said by my brother about payment or anything and I just let it be, I would see him at Christmas when everything had calmed down. On Christmas day when he was driving us home, all he could do is be upset and ask about the forty bucks I owed him for a propane heater that he got me, yet I had no way to get propane until well after it was really needed. I told him I thought I was going to get a little something for making the pieces, at that he just scoffed, and I told him I would get it to him as soon as possible, the electric utility had jumped our butts this last week and took away our Christmas giving. I am now the bad guy again, and last night I figured it all out a little bit more.
My Mother and my brother are not on my side, they just don't want any undue guilt. They probably think they failed my late sister. So they don't want to fail me, at the same time they don't want to put in the effort as much and fall short again. The good thing is my wife and I have no kids, so there is no real collateral damage so just let it happen more. My brother has at least heard a few of my articles and he says they are well written at least, my mother just listens politely and says ok, forgetting it as the words pass from my mouth. Like I said, it's how much you make, not what you make that is the only thing that would make her proud of me, so I am just going to stop trying. There is just no pleasing some people no matter how much you try, and that includes Moms I guess. My brother is acting like he is picking up another son of some kind because of my neediness. That is going to get nipped in the bud here immediately, and so is everything else.
You see I just will take the advice that has been so overtly delivered. I will take the hint and stay away, don't share what I do, don't need for anything. Don't ever let on that I am making it or not making it ever again. Because as much as those two would like to think they are being shining knights, they are also using every bit of my trust and what is happening in my life to make gossipy and just wrong statements about me and my character. Mixing in all of my old actions with my new and coming up with a hybrid of a person that fits neither realities as they really are. Like in AA, they will tell the truth about you, just not to you. With ten bucks from a scratch ticket given out as a stocking stuffer and a house with no food in it, they will never know. I will not tell them, I will not break. I would rather blow my brains out than ask anyone for anything ever again, especially family.
So Christmas has changed for the different, for the rest of my life and I guess you could say that Santa has died in my tiny heart. This year my country has changed, my "friends" have disappeared, my family has made things clear. My inner self has been put to peace in a barren land of tomorrows, those things that I only wanted understanding from are lost to time and to the years life. They say that this gifted life is lonely and I understand that much so succinctly. They say it is also painful, and I have to attest that it is, I am learning not to suffer so, but it doesn't mean I will not.
I will not ask for anything, and in return I expect nothing. Dreamers have no value.
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