Skip to main content

New Roads

  Well apparently my AA days are over. It is just not going to work out for me with that group of folks. They all mean well but could care less really, I am not a producer, I talk funny and have emotions.
  I went to a meeting today and was in an absolutely great mood. Saw friends and said hi kind of smiling along the way. When it came time for announcements of annual sobriety "birthdays" I said I would have four years on the 23rd. There were a few one year old's and Mike with 11 running the meeting. When it came time to share he began with the one year old'd, cool, that was supposed to happen, getting a year is a big deal. When I was systematically not picked after that, I got a bit upset. No, I was pissed off, not another fucking year of this crap happening!
  My first birthday was spent at home away from everyone else. I had just been elected president of the meeting hall that we ran out of. A separate non-profit organization that had no idea what that meant. People were jumping my ass because I wanted and needed to change a few things and board meetings were a nightmare. Being run down and also dealing with a bad back at that time I stayed home, I was upset that my "help" was being rejected so badly by "friends."
  By the time I had my second birthday I had resigned/quit that position in the club. The backlash from that and the ensuing lies of my inappropriate use of funds etc... from the very embezzler herself even. Was enough to drive me away again, and I was working at the time for a old friends restaurant.
 It was during that time that I had found out that I not only had diverticulitis, but had had it for the better part of a year. My guts were and are messed up because not only did I have that, I had other things as well. I had a massive kidney and bladder infection to go along with it by then and a mass that was later found to be fibrous instead of cancerous. In the mean time I was trying to come back into the fold again of AA but the constant pain and quite frankly surprise bowel movements and whatnot had me terrified of going out. I could not be more than five feet from the bathroom for months and weeks at a time. My AA acquaintances always like to say they never kick their wounded, but they sure as heck love a dead body. I was just going back to meetings at another place with my brother and a few at the club on my third birthday. The looks I got and the medications I was on would not allow me to stay. I felt dirty and unsober and these folks were not helping, nor I helping myself.
  With all of this going on it took a long time for me to get better. I mean better to the point of going out again, walking, moving. My God my body had changed and seemingly aged twenty years in a matter of months. I had to learn to literally eat differently which was and is hard as hell. I had to learn to walk a few blocks again I had lost that much strength. The best part of this was I was still doing the best I could with the program and the things I had learned. I got stronger, I got a bit better, I was working on the yard one day in May of my third year when I guess it happened. I was moving the dumpster to lay some gravel to make a nice level surface. I knew at the time that I tweaked my back, it wasn't until a week later that I felt the full repercussions though. The entire summer was filled with painful trips to the doctors and I had to wait six weeks before they could call it an injury. I had no visits or calls, was upset and nobody cared because I couldn't be there to be a part of. So as my back continued to get worse and it took me ten minutes to walk to the front door, my gut was still acting up and I felt like dying. I was with the only ones who has stayed by me, my wife and family, and of course my cats. I felt betrayed by a promise that I made, it hurt and still does. Exhausted physically and emotionally every time I went out to a meeting and feeling this way all the time. It got me.
 I am a male with HSP in a program of people that really can't get it. Not for the way they are but the way I am, I try to es'plain it and that makes it worse. I try to ignore it and that makes it worse. I try to just be me and that makes me an outcast and that makes it worse. I am touchy to emotions that are not even mine at times, and despise being played with on an emotional level or coddled. It is my frustration with the absurdity of it all that really gets me the most I think. I made a promise to myself that I would do this and change, that I would know a better life. That promise so far has brought great change and a better life but the side effects are as deadly as those medications on TV. People are cruel a lot of the time, it's their shield, it's not mine.
 I am sitting here wondering what it is that I am supposed to learn from all of this and the one thing that keeps coming back is this. You can't go back sometimes.
 So as much as it hurts to pull myself away from a group that makes it easier at every step. I have to realize that this is the message that my higher power is telling me. I have a lot of re-learning to do now to understand this head thing and creativity thing of mine. At times it's obsessive and at times it stops me from everything because of the processes. I need to be around people that understand and can at least get this in the slightest. I do not need a bunch of folks that think I just need more fixing, more step work, more service, a deeper belief in God. Yes, I guess we all need that to some degree, but in my case I get to pick with my higher power what exactly my shortcomings are. I am supposed to be this way as far as the questioning and the weirdness that I carry, I just have to figure out which part I can show now. My trust shattered into gossamer whiffs of experience, strength and hope.
   I am going to look for a different path now, new roads, people who actually mean it when they say they are family. I will learn to be a better friend because I will have better examples of what real friendship means. I will trust too much and martyr myself for anything, get angry and love a whole new way. It's great to have a group that talks about this stuff and does a little bit of it. But what the heck good does it do when they take it all back and ignore it when they choose.
 I love them all deeply and wish them all the grace that God can give. They have too many labels and I too many parts, I am the Radio Shack to their Ikea, a little more complex and yes a little more bankrupt. Besides, I don't have the time to wasting with folks who don't care, the doc's say get 'er done.
 



 

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

America - I'm Lovin' It!

Welcome to America.... Can I take Your Order? As this week begins, I am reminded again that the events and results from the previous year are trying to push themselves into this one. We are just short of that time when we permanently scar the buttocks of the nation with an asterisk and a question mark. When we hand over the government to those who wish to erode it away. Globalism made to order for a few, the people still a commodity being traded away in the most covert and overt of manners. I have written about the outright antagonism that the Russians have engaged in, the voting and manipulation of the American psyche. Breaking in to C-Span, dogging our cyber security and basically just laughing at us, we apparently are not going to do anything. There are others involved in this as well including our pals the Israelis, if there was a closer tie to another Super Power in this world we would be closer to China, but the Russians are working on them as well, so here we are....

The Ghost and Sunday Morning

  I know what my previous post said, I wrote it. I may have to re-evaluate everything after the events of Sunday morning though.   In my meditations and prayers I am trying to find what my higher power is trying to tell me. I think that is a pretty common endeavor enough. I believe he sent a hammer this time to drive the point through to me. He sent it through my oldest friend on this planet, and it is scaring me to my very core.    Throughout my life I have had a "best friend" his name is Mike. I met him when we were just kids about two or three, I just remember him always being there. He had two brothers and I had all of my family, but since my brothers were so much older he was kind of like one too. Mike was always the kid that did the exciting stuff, his dad had guns, they scuba dived, they had boats. Now they were not well off in any manner, they just did this stuff. He was the tough kid and I was the big kid, so we kind of meshed together well. We were in cub...

Ways to Light Within

  There are always going to be questions, always a wondering why. There is evidence more and more that the brain is like a muscle and gets stronger and more capable with use. It is even better it seems when examining why the brain goes places where the light and darkness of a day begins.   The shadow of the projectionist is one way I have described it. The thought before the thought, the spark out of millions that create the fire. Like why I am trying to write this as they are splitting logs with a noisy machine less than 20 feet from my desk?   I don't know appears to be the thought of the day and there is so much room for it. As my desk is vibrating from the machine's motor my thoughts are jiggling around in there like jumping beans. In that controlled quantum like state of the fizzing of soda bubbles I find the peace in not knowing. Knowing is not a friend all of the time, in fact, knowing screws us all up. Knowing gives us a choice and a lot of the time we put that...