At times my observances and whatnot of the way things are take on great analogies, I think my learning depends on them. There has always been word of the Tree of Life, that analogy fitting in perfectly with what any higher power that I would accept would define it.
As part of that analogy, I look at my life very much like a tree, that one is not new either. There is talk of roots and growth in most speech about self. This is one aspect about recovery that a pattern has developed in my experience and that of some of those around me.
I was debilitated during my early recovery from a blown out disc in my back. I was unable to work and having to go through the processes for the courts aggravated it further. Getting a little better after some time, I developed a gastrointestinal nightmare along the way which caused me to lose a quarter of my weight and a third of my muscle mass. 210 to 150 in a matter of a few months is not good. This set me back another year or so and getting better and building my strength back up blew out another disc in my back amongst other things back there. So what I am getting at I haven't had a great chance to jump on my recovery and do the tactile things attributed with having a good program. The little chances that I get I take and am soon reminded that this is going to be on a timeline not of my making. I will heal at a rate that I set myself up for and that is all, thank you. Acceptance, I have accepted that I will be on the sidelines for a while longer and that the pace of my life is different.
That being on the side lines means that my base, my roots are out of my control to a great extent. Money and a place to lay my head have been on the roller coaster of a lifetime for the last few years. Without the compassion of a landlord/owner and the assistance from family and friends and at times strangers, we would not have made it this far at all. It was hard to concentrate on any growth, on any great emotions and joys because the worry and the fear was palpable. Stuck in my own life, not quite bad enough to get help from any government agency and just able to sell enough of our collected wealth we made it to a better point in life. Not much, and clearly not out of danger but definitely a light ahead instead of blackness.
Yes, blackness, not darkness, not dim, not clouded... Blackness.
It took all I had inside to hold onto hope at times, to hold onto the fact that things never stay the same. I saw all the changes in my good thinking switch to emergency mode and the growth, like that of a tree, halt. In the way my thought process works, even with my best training, I see things all the way to fruition whether I like it or not, I did not like any of the things I saw, blackness. It seemed I had no business in the real world with everyone else. I had no money for I had no job, I had no job so home was always shaking beneath me, I had no health to be productive so I had no purpose it seems.
I held onto hope that I could go to school, but I had no money, so I studied what I could at home. I did not see a growth again until I got that base underneath me. I see it in others in the program as well, good people that have no base and are stuck, either by health, education or just the ability to handle a job anymore without a little compassion from others, a lot of understanding. Without those parts of the roots that are needed for growth - That money thing and that home base thing, the growth stops and the strangulation of the hope from overthinking again... ceases any possibility of a spirit hunting for joy.
People who have never experienced this fear of being struck useless and honestly stuck within the limits of a past they painted will never understand. It is another step in all honesty that gets ignored with bliss filled apathy as the gratitude is shared. Some are sicker than others, some are in tougher positions than others. As we trudge up the same ladder don't expect me to cheer if you sprint ahead with your goals, nor expect me to share them. They say the only way you keep this is to give it back, but how are you expected to help others when the first thing you are taught is that you can't help others if you can't take care of yourself. It's part of the tree of being, some branches don't grow back and some may, but until they do it makes for some very difficult climbing.
As part of that analogy, I look at my life very much like a tree, that one is not new either. There is talk of roots and growth in most speech about self. This is one aspect about recovery that a pattern has developed in my experience and that of some of those around me.
I was debilitated during my early recovery from a blown out disc in my back. I was unable to work and having to go through the processes for the courts aggravated it further. Getting a little better after some time, I developed a gastrointestinal nightmare along the way which caused me to lose a quarter of my weight and a third of my muscle mass. 210 to 150 in a matter of a few months is not good. This set me back another year or so and getting better and building my strength back up blew out another disc in my back amongst other things back there. So what I am getting at I haven't had a great chance to jump on my recovery and do the tactile things attributed with having a good program. The little chances that I get I take and am soon reminded that this is going to be on a timeline not of my making. I will heal at a rate that I set myself up for and that is all, thank you. Acceptance, I have accepted that I will be on the sidelines for a while longer and that the pace of my life is different.
That being on the side lines means that my base, my roots are out of my control to a great extent. Money and a place to lay my head have been on the roller coaster of a lifetime for the last few years. Without the compassion of a landlord/owner and the assistance from family and friends and at times strangers, we would not have made it this far at all. It was hard to concentrate on any growth, on any great emotions and joys because the worry and the fear was palpable. Stuck in my own life, not quite bad enough to get help from any government agency and just able to sell enough of our collected wealth we made it to a better point in life. Not much, and clearly not out of danger but definitely a light ahead instead of blackness.
Yes, blackness, not darkness, not dim, not clouded... Blackness.
It took all I had inside to hold onto hope at times, to hold onto the fact that things never stay the same. I saw all the changes in my good thinking switch to emergency mode and the growth, like that of a tree, halt. In the way my thought process works, even with my best training, I see things all the way to fruition whether I like it or not, I did not like any of the things I saw, blackness. It seemed I had no business in the real world with everyone else. I had no money for I had no job, I had no job so home was always shaking beneath me, I had no health to be productive so I had no purpose it seems.
I held onto hope that I could go to school, but I had no money, so I studied what I could at home. I did not see a growth again until I got that base underneath me. I see it in others in the program as well, good people that have no base and are stuck, either by health, education or just the ability to handle a job anymore without a little compassion from others, a lot of understanding. Without those parts of the roots that are needed for growth - That money thing and that home base thing, the growth stops and the strangulation of the hope from overthinking again... ceases any possibility of a spirit hunting for joy.
People who have never experienced this fear of being struck useless and honestly stuck within the limits of a past they painted will never understand. It is another step in all honesty that gets ignored with bliss filled apathy as the gratitude is shared. Some are sicker than others, some are in tougher positions than others. As we trudge up the same ladder don't expect me to cheer if you sprint ahead with your goals, nor expect me to share them. They say the only way you keep this is to give it back, but how are you expected to help others when the first thing you are taught is that you can't help others if you can't take care of yourself. It's part of the tree of being, some branches don't grow back and some may, but until they do it makes for some very difficult climbing.
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