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Titles

  You know, I have a problem when they put a prompt for the title of something at the top. I want to fill it out, but I have no idea what I am going to say most of the time. I have a lot to say these days.
 I have taken my blog offline for a bit while I think about this reoccurring flight from writing and reaching out. I have a feeling it has to do with my introvert stuff but I am not sure. The overall theme that I am getting back is stay and fight through it. The first thing I did in recovery is learn to cease fighting everyone and everything, kind of a confusing point there. I do not mind a good fight if I know the cause is righteous and true and honest. I don't know if I can fight for myself then, I am so unsure of all of those things and fear the truth as well. My only job seems to be not making things worse right now.
   In the Big Book they talk about letting God remove all of these defects of character. My societal interactions dictate that I have defects, but is it my character or my response that is the broken part? Is it even broken? Ah, this trek is a trip for sure.
  It has been a year since I found out about my Gifted/HSP nature. I proclaimed it was the missing piece in my psyche that I had been searching for for a very long time and I was right. It simply wasn't the final piece that was looking for a puzzle to plug into. I found out that I am truly some kind of writer, that I can convey emotions or thoughts enough to get it across to other people. That has to be worth something right there, even to me, right? but no.... WTH do I need to convince myself of my worth all the time?
 So, this post took a road trip, literally. I went back to that place, where the spark of being highly sensitive was pinpointed enough to get it through my head. It was a camping trip to Lake Cle Elum last year that an jolly and peaceful old truck driver named Mick told me I am too sensitive. The next day my journey into finding my true nature took off. Same place, for the most part the same players one year later. Being myself, relaxed and just talkative as hell, boy, that was a mistake.
  I have to conclude that this is just like trying to describe the visual world to the blind. Trying to write out what words feel like to the deaf. I feel like I am surrounded with dolts, unable or unwilling to want to understand. Their belief systems could be stretched a bit, and that just shut's them down. Yet, here I am and I am the one supposedly needing the fixing? The definition of ignorance and the epitome of all that is right with the program, is all that is wrong. Acceptance is not being taught, intolerance is not being wiped away, they are simply being defined into colorful soundbites and coddling. The acceptance is there though, I saw it yesterday and last night. They will accept only that I am broken, that I must need a fixing? Character assaults with every sentence, call of self diagnosis, the extroverts cannot understand. There is nothing to fix, it's all good, stop trying, you're too ignorant to even know how. Believe it or not that was not an insult... simply a reality.

  Wow, this post is spanning the better part of three days to get written. It is all in there, taking time to process, I didn't know I had that much... to chew? Maybe the acceptance issue is mine too, I cannot accept that people would discount me so easily when presented with the facts. That's just it, nobody else seems to have to justify their existence, why do I feel the need to justify mine? Define it? The reason I hate label makers it seems is that they are too much competition and are always wrong to me of course... I don't see I do the same thing, but take it a bit farther. I see the differences, making the similarities obvious to someone like me and I like to point those parts out never seeing the mannerisms of my "good" thoughts.
  There appears to be two aisles to a lot of things. In learning and in teaching, the men either hate you or love you, you can't have it both ways. The teachers either instruct or destruct to fit their "life's" style, rarely aware of the dark side of the moon to their mindset. I had a friend of mine give me one of the most endearing and telling compliments I think I have ever heard. She said that in the four or so years that she had known me, that she had never ever seen me do something to intentionally hurt someone.
  I think that is one of the most wonderful things I have heard in my life, it is also kind of scary. It tells me in this hurt locker world that I am different, I am seeing this whole thing from another angle. So of course I get the perceptions off at times. I couldn't see the dark side of the moon.
  When I re-organize this mess I will put this onto the Introspect page. I like to look back at these little pieces later on and see some growth hopefully. In the meantime it will just be a reminder to myself. That as much as others and their ways are strange and frustrating to me, I am just as frustrating to others. I am the minority though, my good intentions, my "life's" style is the one that doesn't fit. Maybe that is why I scream so loud about fairness, about fitting in, about worthiness. I always thought I wanted to be normal, maybe I just wanted to feel equal more than anything else, there goes those labels again, intentions..... in titles.




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