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Dying for a Purpose

    There are so many things in life, so many areas of our nature and lives that define us. That list is as long as each of our individual days, and at times as short as the next breath. Sometimes the things overlooked, the things you are unaware of becomes a wall of thought, an obstacle to moving in any direction, least of all forward.
  In reading the stories here, and experiencing a little bit of others lives. A thought has been rumbling around this big empty space. In this big constant search for who I am, an equally big question popped up again. What am I? What defines me anymore? In this search for acceptance of what people are, who the heck am I supposed to be?
  This may surprise some but I live with the issue that I want to commit suicide daily. It is not a joke, it is not a phase or some kind of thing that doctors or drugs can really fix. It is part of a genetic and realistic mindset that see's no purpose in continuing. I am not helping the greater good, so I must be taking a toll instead. That toll, those millions of tiny cuts to my psyche, hurt, bleed, and cause problems to say the least.
  This will get lost on many I know. It is not my intention to be ridiculed by writing this, but it is there if you wish. This burning desire and condition I have is part of this whole Gifted business, it is not pleasant or funny and is in fact incredibly painful. Many people know about and suffer from depression, there are many forms and names for this and that area of it. Mine is just called Existential Depression, a reason and what for for all of it. If you have read my previous pieces you will see that this guy is stuck on that end of things.
  I don't bring this to your attention for pity or like I said, snazzy comebacks. It is a real part of living that some folks have to put up with among the rest of this wonderful world. You see, when folks like me write about the light in their lives, when they take the time to post stuff like this it is incredibly personal. You are the only ones to see this side and part of someone, splayed out like a freshly cleaned fish. It is not the suicide or death desired, simply the wish of not to hurt anyone or anymore. Go ahead, do your damnedest, the darkness that some of us know would make the strongest among you wet their pants.
 In reading the stories here I find that many people find a certain purpose to their lives through having children. My wife and I could not have kids, my career is gone, my abilities limited to say the least. I wonder what others would say their purpose in life would be if they did not have their children? I am sure there are plenty of answers, I have yet to find many myself. For as much as I detest labels, I sure wouldn't mind one to start with. It seems as I have aged my purposes have changed and value to society as well. It is hard to find purpose in a number that is given you as to your worth, or the amount of Facebook friends you have.
  Some of us are simply dying for a purpose and seeing none.







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