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Time takes Time

  As with anything, time takes time. As much as I want to figure out a bunch of things about myself and life, time takes time.

  In old habits I found that if I would fail at something a lot of the times I just stopped doing it and writing myself off as a failure. Easy to do with my esteem issues, and a big cop out on experiences like working through stuff, and working with people. That was a big part of the fear I used to screw up a good portion of my life. I could see that I was a failure at so much, I just couldn't let others see it. Like alcohol, I could be a raving alcoholic, I just couldn't let others see it. They were just alike, everyone knew I was an alcoholic, and most knew I was a failure as well.
  In new habits I am letting the failures in a lot more. Not turning my back with every little pitfall and downer thought. Taking my writing back to my home here and in my books more and more. Yes, I read my articles again I know they all sound like the same Barry Manilow tune. Yes all my songs are horribly similar, my poetry mundane. It seems I may know how to write, but I only know how to write something one way. It has to be depressing after a short amount of time.
  So Time takes time and maybe I just need to take some and figure out a little bit more. This coming around and awakening crap at my age is great and all, but man it sucks at times. I just got done explaining to some folks that I don't take praise well. So they offer me a bunch of praise, which I am grateful for, but at the same time prove that much of it is just coddling. That doesn't seem right either when someone is trying to find some hard answers. So there has been a ghosting going on again, I will just gradually vanish and think about what I have learned. I know this birthday thing here in a few weeks is getting to me too. I feel I have such a rich life inside, a wife, two loving cats and a family that loves me. I don't have much of anything else though, no real friends, no real ties to anything else and a real disconnection at times to the rest of the world. I can't blame anyone, I brought this on myself, but you only turn 50 once. No matter what changes I may go through in the future, I wont get to go back to this, and that is the sad part. This is a time of change I guess, change takes time, and time takes time. In this case quite literally.

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